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What Might Be

A transgender lady discusses rejection and coming to terms with the damage of being discarded.

Since joining the team at Transgender Universe, I’ve made it a point to read what the others have to say where before I might have simply scanned headlines. The stories I find the hardest to read are those of U.A. Nigro. They’re passionate, emotive, and full of support for her partner. Her ability to extend her love and acceptance to so many through her words is something I wish I had - a joy to read. She’s not the only partner who writes these kinds of articles, but they’re the ones I see in recent weeks. The thing that makes her words hard for me to process is the cold rejection I faced from my now ex wife.

I came out to my ex one June morning and she recoiled. Asked angry questions and, when there was no easy answer, she withdrew. I was forced to leave the next morning. We tried to talk over the following month or so - perhaps six weeks - but eventually I asked her to leave my new home, and she did, never to speak to me again. My only contact with her is through her solicitor about our divorce, which was heard yesterday. Nobody attended; I expect a summary judgement.

“I’VE HAD A FASCINATION WITH PARTNERS THAT STAY EVER SINCE.”

I’ve had a fascination with partners that stay ever since. I want to know what makes them different; what things led to my ejection from that family. Was it how I came out? Maybe if her parents had been more accepting of me? The relationship was all ready in a bit of trouble - maybe this was an excuse for her to get rid of me. I said in the past that part of why I came out was a way to end the relationship, but one thing we all learn is how unpredictable people’s reactions can be: people you are sure will be hostile aren’t, those you think are open aren’t. It could have worked out that coming out was the thing to save my marriage rather than end it.

In the end, I’ve discovered nothing. What is, is. She went her way and made her decisions. I made mine, and now all that has come of eleven years of marriage is ash and angry letters from solicitors. It’s the worst kind of bitterness, to realise that a fourth of your life with a person can end that way. I know others have partners over far longer periods that get the same result.

I should say that I wouldn’t trade my life as it is now for anything. I have a good job that pays badly but gives me a lot of time to pursue my other projects. I fell in love again - quite unexpectedly - and I’m deliriously happy with my new partner. I’ve come to understand the extent of the psychological abuse my ex put me through, and I’m glad to be free of that bad cycle.

And yet I wonder at what might be. I read these articles that are full of encouragement and positivity, and I wonder, ‘How would I be now had my ex supported me?’ I can’t know. I was lucky to find friends and a partner that does support me in that way - and quickly - but the die was cast and that life ended. At the start, I would have worked through it with her. I was prepared to find a way forward with her, but she wasn’t, and love is not enough.

With the hearing done, my ex is a step further behind me and my life continues as though none of this is happening. I’m so far removed from the relationship - apart from processing the damage - that at times it feels weird to be reminded that she ever was. We live in the same town, yet our paths never cross. We know a couple of the same people, but they never speak of her and say they haven’t heard from her in a long time. They might be sparing me or themselves from an awkward exchange, but the functional result is the same: she’s gone.

“WHAT VERSION OF ME WOULD THAT BE? THERE ARE SO MANY: THE VERSION THAT CAME OUT AT SEVENTEEN, THE ONE THAT DIDN’T COME OUT AT ALL.”

And though I say I came out partly as a means of escape from the gaslighting and, by extension, her, there was a chance that coming out would have ended the gaslighting and kept her. People are funny. I can’t even comprehend what that might be like, but I turn it in my head. What version of me would that be? There are so many: the version that came out at seventeen, the one that didn’t come out at all. The one that stayed in America after being left there the second time, the one that fled England after being thrown out. And there’s the one that came out and was accepted by her wife.

I can understand these versions in a vague sense, but I don’t know what I could be like. The one that wasn’t thrown out is the one I least understand and have the hardest time thinking about. It’s also the one I’m confronted with most often; the one I’m made to come closest to in my mind. Nobody means for this to happen, but when you get into enough transgender media and meet enough transgender people, you read about and meet partners that stay. You make friends with them. You chat about that process to the closer friends you have. It’s painful, but fascinating, and part of life. The alternative is to not keep these kinds of friends and shut myself away - not doing that. I spent a long time shut away and denied friends. Not about to start that again.

I’m touched to know that there are people out there that love and support their partners through coming out and whatever transition they need. I’m happy for their partners, and I want that to be the way it is for everyone. It wasn’t that way for me, but I ended up OK - I’m one of the lucky ones despite being discarded. I just wish we all could be that person who is kept.

"I’ve come to understand the extent of the psychological abuse my ex put me through, and I’m glad to be free of that bad cycle."

"I’ve come to understand the extent of the psychological abuse my ex put me through, and I’m glad to be free of that bad cycle." I think your marriage was over long before transition came along. I understand transition changes things, a LOT, but both of you said in sickness and health to death do we part, most of my thirteen year marriage she was sick, we went through a lot, her sickness was no more a choice than my need to transition was (although that did happen after she passed), she knew there was a gender issue before we married, the so called evangelical christians need to dig in a little deeper and show marriage the dignity and respect they talk about so much, as this lgbt christian stayed with her and supported her in sickness and health till death do we part, when many would have moved on. I have little room in my life for shallow family/marital support or people just walking away from their commitments when things get hard.

On the first point, I think you're probably right.

On the second... I'm not sure what you mean, exactly? That vow is standard and I understand, but we all know that it breaks down and with it goes that promise. Sometimes we make promises 'forever' and it turns out we just can't keep them, for whatever reason.

Am I misreading this?

"in sickness and health till death do we part" I take that very literally and seriously, including abuse and unfaithfulness when the abuse and or unfaithfulness can be resolved with the help of the appropriate professionals in a reasonable, timely, and safe, manner, if the abuse, unfaithfulness, can not be resolved in a reasonable timely, safe manner, or the abuse was so severe that there can be no resolution, then yes divorce is the only recourse.. I belive that marriage is a two way street and that takes work and commitment, I am not saying marital conflict is easy, quick, or fun, but when love, commitment/vows, is there marriages can be fixed. For the religious, vows were made to God. "'Sometimes we make promises 'forever' and it turns out we just can't keep them, for whatever reason" I understand what you're saying and agree "sometimes" that is inevitable, but I belive with love, commitment, and effort, from BOTH people that is an extreme outcome. If I did not make myself clear, I don't think I did, my wife did pass, that helped cement my views on vows, commitments, and divorce.

The only way to ensure the safety of an abuse victim is to pull them out of their abuser’s reach. I would never recomend my clients stay with an abuser to work through it, no matter what promises were made - you can’t consent to abuse. No promise to stay can override the need for personal safety and well being. Promising to stay with someone does not, and cannot, include an abusive scenario. Abuse doesn’t need to be intentional. It doesn’t need to be physical - mine was psychological. The damage is severe and far reaching. Victims can and do work through the damage; they heal. But they can’t do that while in their abuser’s reach. They can only do that in a place of safety and security.

I do agree that where there’s love, there is a way forward. That way forward, in the case of abuse, is for the abuser to let their victim go.

"abuse and or unfaithfulness can be resolved with the help of the appropriate professionals in a reasonable, timely, and safe, manner,"

"The only way to ensure the safety of an abuse victim is to pull them out of their abuser’s reach." In many case, Yes. The problem is, what kind of abuse are talking about, there are many type of abuse and degrees of abuse. It is very possible to abuse someone and not know it's abuse, financial, verbally, emotionally, controlling are all forms of abuse but maybe the abuser TRULY "believes" they are doing the right thing without being abusive (when they are abusive), not all forms of abuse are physical or are in "imminent" danger of becoming physically, but all forms of abuse are wrong, harmful, and need correcting. I don't think anyone in an abusive situation can be objective enough to determine safety or corrective action by themselves, they need an objective third party trained counselor for that (without a third party counselor the only safe move is separation).

The kind of abuse is irrelevant. Whether it’s intentional or not is irrelevant. How severe it is or how protracted is also irrelevant.

There is only one treatment for the victim: remove the victim from the abuser’s reach. That is all.

I’m not going to entertain any further suggestions that abused people should or could stay with their abusers.

I really didn't think we'd go down this road, I think it's kind of pointless, I think we're "mostly" on the same page, except that you see/treat all forms and degrees of abuse as the same, I see the type and severity of abuse and how much each person is or isn't contributing to the abuse, as a needed measurement on how to safely end the abuse and begin the healing, there are so many ways people are abused I belive it's impossible to make "blanket statements" about abuse except that abuse is always wrong and safety is paramount, nor do I believe that abuse is an ""automatic"" end to a relationship IF both people are willing to work with the apparate professionals..

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