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The Song Plays On

I lay in bed watching the ceiling fan blades try to cut through the hot still air of a Georgia summer night.

The thoughts of suicide had crept into my head over the past few weeks. For me it is like a song stuck in my head that will not go away. I first heard this song at age 12, when I would stare at my reflection in the mirror and cry every morning. I know that this thought process is toxic and unrealistic, but the song keeps playing “You are worthless. Everyone would be better off without you.” I tell myself that this is a limited and easy solution that is not really a solution, but the song plays on. Like most of my life I lay silently still, lost in thought. Someone walking by my door would think I am relaxing and in deep thought. They would never know I was at war with my own brain again. A mental Hatfield and McCoy feud waged for decades in my head. Always on opposing sides of everything, fighting for so long that neither can remember who was wrong in the first place.

“IT IS STRANGE TELLING SOMEONE WHO IS IMPORTANT TO YOU ABOUT BEING SUICIDAL.”

My girlfriend Mandy and my three year old daughter Ailani are my two anchors to reality and a reminder of the magnitude of suicide. I talked to Mandy about what I was thinking a few days before. I wanted her to know what I was fighting. I need her to be supportive and to understand what is happening in my head. It is strange telling someone who is important to you about being suicidal. Actually seeing the idea of it affecting them and it showing you a small glimpse at the damage you would do if you followed through with it. I will lay here thinking about this for the next four nights until I get too exhausted to stay awake anymore.

Mandy lays in bed staring at a small mason jar full of sand from North Carolina and from New Hampshire. The small shells made a beach of two beautiful days we spent as a family. Her mind was racing with worry. Thoughts of suicide were on her mind too, but in a much different way. I need her to hang on a little longer. She moves up here in the winter, only a few more months to go. Please let Ailani and me be enough for her to hang on. Jenny said she was in a good place to fight it, but these things can twist around suddenly. How do I go on without her in my life? I know she is awake again tonight. God I hope she doesn’t do it.

Suicide is a common enemy that many of us in the trans* community face. It is not relegated to the select few that are transgender. Suicide effects everyone around us on many levels. If you feel that you are considering suicide or know someone who is considering suicide seek help from a qualified source. I have had years of therapy in coping with my suicidal thoughts and it still gets overwhelming. Do not be afraid to get help. The national suicide prevention hotline is 1-800-273-8255. It is not the solution!

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