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Learning to Say “Boy, Bye!” as a Trans Woman

Christina Dreams discusses how men sexually objectify and fetishize transgender women and what can be done about it.

I am absolutely sick of sexual objectification. I am ill of men sexually objectifying heterosexual trans women. I am fed up with feeling that guys are inspecting me and trying to determine my level of susceptibility to their desire. I am tired of men assuming that we are desperate or “thirsty,” or that, just because we are heterosexual trans women and they have the ole mighty phallus between their legs, we will jump at and be thoroughly content with being a means to their orgasm. I am aggravated by the fact that guys fetishize trans women, denigrating us to the level of playthings, secreted fantasies, and marks of sexual renaissance for their closeted or perverted recollection. And most of all, I am over seeing trans women tolerate gross, crap ass men for a little diluted and polluted love and affection. Why do we keep allowing these sorry-excuses-for-men to keep waltzing in and out of our lives? Why do we do that to ourselves? And why do they even see us that way in the first place? Clearly, we are more than conquests.

“..I DO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH NOT BEING SEEN AS ‘WIFE MATERIAL’ BECAUSE I AM TRANS.”

Now I’m not saying that I don’t want to be attractive or sexually appealing, as that would clearly be a lie. In fact, I thoroughly enjoy and appreciate the benefits that come with being an attractive, passing, young trans gal. I certainly invest time and energy into looking good regularly, all though that can be a drain at times and I wonder why I put myself through it all (Watch My Video, “Beauty Culture Pressures”). That’s because I am wanting to attract a life partner, a forever companion, someone to be the light that casts away the darkness from my past; and being sexually appealing to him is, of course, a bonus in the “courting and securing” process. However, I do have a problem with not being seen as “wife material” because I am trans. And I know cisgender women also encounter this problem, as well, but the major distinction between their situation and the lot of the trans woman is found in that, generally and statistically speaking, most cis girls can expect to be married. Most get married. More cisgender women end up “happily” settled (but not without their own problems and struggles, I’m sure) then trans gals do. We have an exponentially more difficult time finding a man for long-term commitment. Sex? “Sure, no problem, so you suck d**k good? Great!” Marriage? “Whaaaa? I can’t marry you, you’re a man, what would my family think, I live in small town, etc.” If I’m good enough to f**k, then I should be good enough for Holy Matrimony. Amen?

Men will often say things, speak in a fashion, or act with trans women in a way they wouldn’t dream of, if they were talking with a cisgender woman, why is that? Well, in my opinion, there are a few reasons for this:

Because men have been indoctrinated to see trans women as not “real” women by church and culture. Therefore, matters of relatability, as between man and woman, are mucked by these residual/cross-generational biases.

Because they are gay and are using trans women as a “safe” way to enact their clandestine homosexual fantasies and desires, therefore not seeing the trans woman as indeed woman.

Because of the proliferation of and easy accessibility to intense-content pornography, in which the trans women are often portrayed as “easy,” lusty, and without scruples. Much like cisgender women too. However, unlike cisgender women, there is a pervasive stereotype that this is all the trans woman is good for: sexual gratification, whether that takes place in the porn studio, the darkened corner at night, or in the room of some chauvinist from Craigslist or Back page.

I may incite some trans-rioting here, but it begs to be said: we are partially responsible for our dilemma. Now, shoot me, if you please, but the assertion still remains poised. We are partially responsible. How can we expect and demand good men, respectable men, gentleman of integrity and gentility, when we don’t cultivate them by our interactions and reactions? Much of the time, we are, indeed, too easy and too eager to “be loved,” or to “find love,” or have “someone to love,” and we settle for interactions with and conduct by guys that is base, disrespectful, demeaning, and meaningless. We must be more objective, more selective, and more exclusive. We must make an honest list of the characteristics, and qualities of our “Prince Charming” with a fair representation of our genuine relational expectations for and from a partner. We most adhere to that standard, that reed, as though it was an Oracle from the City of Delphi, as though it was our personal northern star leading us into the arms of a true, rich love (Watch My Video, “Trans Dating Online,” for thoughts about online dating). This is the only way we will redefine ourselves in the eyes of men and eliminate being treated like a glory hole. We deserve real relationships, real love, with real guys. Are you uncertain of what a true, rich love is? Among other things, 1st Corinthians Chapter 13 tells us, in part, that:

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

-Corinthians 13:4-8 New International Version, (NIV)

If he is impatient or unkind, dishonors you or himself by his disregard for you as a woman and person worthy of respect and dignity, etc., these are clear signs to move on. Find the next guy to chat with or go on a date with. Stop giving the cookie up within the first 5 dates, too, ladies. Keep the cookie firmly in the cookie jar until this man shows you he can be about more then just helping you mess up your hair, smudge your gloss, stain your sheets, drink your beer, and then ask you to pay for his Uber because he “forgot” his wallet. This is how we, slowly but surely, bit by bit, begin to change our predicament and reduce the hyper sexuality that we are subjected to all while love, respect, and commitment are withheld. We, as strong, intelligent, beautiful, fierce, and deserving trans women must stop settling and start saying, “Boy, bye!”

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