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Crying in Front of Old Men: How I Got My Hormones

INT. PSYCHOSEXUAL THERAPY WAITING ROOM. DAY

Michelle is sat in an average hospital waiting room, surrounded by men, all of whom look awkward and ashamed. Michelle picks up a leaflet from a small table in front of her. It simply reads “Erectile Dysfunction Fact Sheet”.

A bald man pokes his head around a door and calls Michelle inside.

INT. PSYCHOSEXUAL THERAPISTS OFFICE. DAY

The office is painted a weird vomit-green color. The desk in the corner is empty except for a computer keyboard that isn’t attached to anything. There is an English Dictionary on the floor in the corner of the room. Everything about this office screams, “Underfunded Department”.

The bald man sits down, and beckons a terrified looking Michelle to sit in the chair opposite.

BALD DOCTOR

So, Michelle is it? Formally…Bertie?

MICHELLE

…yes. Also, please don’t say that name ever again. It is ridiculous. Also…GP referred me here? To get hormones for transitioning? But by the looks of the leaflet…

BALD DOCTOR

Yes, Bertie is a ridiculous name. So you were sent here to be assessed for a referral to the gender identity clinic?

MICHELLE

…yes, that is what I said, but I don’t understand…I think they have sent me to the wrong place.

BALD DOCTOR

Now, we are going to talk for a little bit and see if you are indeed a woman or not.

MICHELLE

…am I in the right place? I was reading the leaflet…sounds like you deal with sexual dysfunctions and not trans people. I have been on the waiting list for a year to get here…please don’t tell me they have sent me to the wrong place.

BALD DOCTOR

Ah, you are absolutely in the right place, we certainly do cover transsexuals. Just, if we put that on the leaflet, the other patients get freaked out.

MICHELLE

…right.

BALD DOCTOR

So why don’t we start with, what do you think about when you masturbate?

MICHELLE

…what?

INT. PSYCHOSEXUAL THERAPISTS OFFICE. DAY

It is two weeks later. Michelle has returned to therapy and is currently trying to answer a question put to her by the bald doctor.

MICHELLE

So… when I…masturbate…I…think about men.

BALD DOCTOR

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Go…on? I need specifics. What is he doing to you?

MICHELLE

I…tend to think about me and a guy…and he is…

BALD DOCTOR

…Go on…

MICHELLE

He is…nope, sorry, I don’t know you and this is really weird. What has my…personal habits…got to do with my transgender…ness? I don’t think about sex that much! I know I like guys, but this isn’t something I have felt comfortable exploring because I hate my body so much. Can we talk about…my gender identity?

BALD DOCTOR

Not yet! You are lying! You are repressing! I must know about your sexuality before I can judge whether you are a woman or not. You must go and explore your sexuality!

MICHELLE

INT. PSYCHOSEXUAL THERAPISTS OFFICE. DAY

It is three weeks later.

BALD DOCTOR

So…have you explored your sexuality yet?

MICHELLE

Yes sir. I have, and you know what I think about? I think about men going to town on me. Oh yes. It is all I ever think about. Me and all the men, just…going at it like…there are chains and leathers involved! Yes!

BALD DOCTOR

I can see you reading this off your arm.

MICHELLE

Fuck.

INT. PSYCHOSEXUAL THERAPISTS OFFICE. DAY

A week later. Michelle is crying. The bald doctor is rapidly taking notes.

MICHELLE

I…Don’t…Want…to…talk…about…me…masturbating…

BALD DOCTOR

Why is that?

MICHELLE

GAAAAAAAAAAH

INT. PSYCHOSEXUAL THERAPISTS OFFICE. DAY

Michelle is staring at the bald doctor. The bald doctor is staring back.

BALD DOCTOR

…So I have decided to refer you on to the gender identity clinic. I am convinced that you are a woman.

MICHELLE

How? All we have talked about is…whatever, OK, so I can start hormone therapy?

BALD DOCTOR

Oh no, you have to be seen at the clinic! Shouldn’t be too long, they have a six-month waiting list.

MICHELLE

Of course they do.

INT. GENDER IDENTITY CLINIC NURSE’S ROOM. DAY

It is one year later. Michelle finally has the appointment at the right clinic and is finally sat down in front of someone who can actually give her hormones. The office has a desk with a typewriter on it. The psychologist is a very polite, well-dressed younger man.

YOUNG PSYCHOLOGIST

So just to let you know, we may need to perform genital electrolysis before we can discuss surgery.

MICHELLE

…what?! We haven’t even said hello yet!

YOUNG PSYCHOLOGIST

So I see here that you have mostly identified as a woman since you were five years old, and that…there’s…there’s an awful lot in here about what you like to masturbate to.

MICHELLE

YOUNG PSYCHOLOGIST

Why did you talk so much about masturbating to the psychosexual team?

MICHELLE

Are you fucking serious?

YOUNG PSYCHOLOGIST

Now, before we issue the order to prescribe hormones we need several things from you. We need proof that you have changed your name.

Michelle immediately pulls out a legal change of name certificate.

YOUNG PSYCHOLOGIST

Fantastic, we also need to confirm that you have come out to all of your family.

Michelle immediately pulls out her mobile phone, dials a number and puts it on speaker. A pair of voices answer.

PHONE

Hello? Bertie?

MICHELLE

Hi mum and dad! I am transgender, my name is Michelle now. Bye!

Michelle hangs up the phone.

YOUNG PSYCHOLOGIST

Fantastic, OK, we will issue the hormones at the next appointment…in three to six months.

MICHELLE

MOTHER FU…

INT. GENDER IDENTITY CLINIC – PSYCHOLOGISTS OFFICE. DAY

It is nine months later. Michelle, who is now visibly shaking, is sat opposite a completely different Psychologist. He is a much, much older man.

OLD PSYCHOLOGIST

Now young lady, why aren’t you wearing a dress?

MICHELLE

Because fuck you that’s why. Give me hormones. I was promised hormones. Gimme gimme gimme.

OLD PSYCHOLOGIST

But women wear dresses! You are clearly not trying hard enough!

MICHELLE

OK, if I promise to wear a fucking dress next time, will you give me the hormones?

OLD PSYCHOLOGIST

I am also going to have to hear more about what you like to masturbate over.

Michelle turns and bangs her head against the wall.

OLD PSYCHOLOGIST

Excuse me, ladies don’t bang their heads against walls.

Michelle keeps banging her head.

INT. GENDER IDENTITY CLINIC – PSYCHOLOGISTS OFFICE. DAY

It is three months later. Michelle is wearing a dress in front of the original, younger psychologist.

YOUNG PSYCHOLOGIST

You know there is more to being a woman than wearing a dress? Are you sure you are not just a transvestite? I think you should come back in six months, after having a real good think over if this is truly what you want.

Michelle, literally, starts screaming and pulling her hair out.

INT. GENDER IDENTITY CLINIC – PSYCHOLOGISTS OFFICE. DAY

Another nine months has passed. Michelle is wearing every piece of clothing she owns.

YOUNG PSYCHOLOGIST

Why are you wearing…so many clothes?

MICHELLE

…hormones…

YOUNG PSYCHOLOGIST

Yes, I have decided to recommend your GP to prescribe. Now that I am convinced that a prescription for hormone replacement therapy is in your best interests.

Michelle sighs with relief.

YOUNG PSYCHOLOGIST

I just need to write up the recommendation, then there is a backlog of letters waiting to be typed up before we fax it over…

MICHELLE

So you are going to write the letter with a pen, get it typed up and then fax it? But it is 2016? Can’t you just write an email?

YOUNG PSYCHOLOGIST

What is an email?

MICHELLE

Never mind…how long will this take?

YOUNG PSYCHOLOGIST

The backlog should take us four to six months to clear.

The psychologist turns away to begin writing up the recommendation. Michelle is quiet for a beat, and then starts screaming and runs straight through the office wall, leaving a Michelle shaped hole.

YOUNG PSYCHOLOGIST

(LOOKING DOWN AT THE DESK, WRITING)

But before I do any of that, I just need to go over a discrepancy concerning what you actually masturbate over…

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