Grace Has Issues. Aziz Ansari Isn't One of Them.

He could not read her mind. That seems to be the serious crime.

There are plenty of women who have already commented on "Grace," the dolt who wants in on the #MeToo shaming of men who have done her wrong. But why should the ladies get all the say in this if we're for equality and all that?

Grace, a pseudonym, has let a writer tell her story at a feminist website you have never heard of before. We can presume this has more to do with the website wanting to get its name out there than anything else. Of Grace, we can presume she wants to shame a man who took her on a date. That man is Aziz Ansari and until this weekend I had no idea who he was. But he's a man to be pitied for having had a terrible encounter with a lady who seems to not quite be stable.

Ansari, you see, took Grace on a date and dared serve her white wine at his apartment, not the red. He was not a mind reader, you see, and she preferred red wine. We do not know if he did not have it. All we know is that he was supposed to read her mind and is clearly a terrible person because of it.

As an aside, they were going out for oysters and seafood, which is usually paired with white wine, which they appear to have consumed at dinner too. They went out to eat after the wine, but there Ansari could not read her mind again that she wanted to stay and continue drinking the white wine she had not wanted before. We know they had white wine at dinner because she helpfully provided a picture.

Grace says she sensed Ansari was eager for them to leave. “When the waiter came over he quickly asked for the check and he said like, ‘Let’s get off this boat.’” She recalls there was still wine in her glass and more left in the bottle he ordered. The abruptness surprised her. “Like, he got the check and then it was bada-boom, bada-bing, we’re out of there.”

They returned to his apartment where they performed oral sex on each other, he tried to go for more, she said no, and the end. He called an Uber for her and she told him he was just like all the rest before she left and cried on her way home. This was not a sexual assault. This was a consensual encounter between two adults, one of whom was not a mind reader and the other who demanded he be a mind reader. When she actually said no instead of using a series of nonverbal clues, he stopped.

We have, over the past few months, been subjected to story after story of awful sexual assaults, abuse, and harassment. This is not one of them. This is a dating failure where some child wants attention, though not under her real name, for the purpose of shaming and harming someone who could not read her mind. And I suspect she knows this is more revenge porn than a serious warning because she will not use her real name when the other brave women coming forward are. She clearly had different expectations about the guy and he clearly did not know. She seems to be shaming him to overcompensate for her own naiveté. He, on the other hand, just seems bad at dating, bad at the hook up culture, and pitiful.

The larger issue is another one. This is a post-modern, post-truth sexual encounter in an American hookup culture where the rules change in an instance -- in this case from a tongue departing a part of the body and moving to the next part. The reality is that this will keep happening and we will keep hearing about these sorts of ridiculous stories until people take a hint about how harmful the hookup culture is. If you want a good, consequence free time, there will often be consequences. When one gets undressed on a kitchen counter and is willing to perform oral sex and let oral sex be performed, do not be surprised when the other party tries to carry on. I dare say Grace is lucky she seems to have hooked up with a fairly decent guy who we know is fairly decent because he stopped when she said no instead of forcing the rest on her like the actual victims in actual sexual assaults saw happen.

The Christian sexual ethic is much ridiculed and maligned in this day and age, but it perhaps speaks more loudly and clearly than ever before. Date, get to know each other, learn to read each other's emotions and thinking, get married, then have sex. At the very least, stop with the hookups and the one night stands. The truth is that men and women are different and have different expectations and in an anything goes environment it is hard to know where nebulous boundaries are even if the firm boundaries are known. And then when the firm boundaries are never crossed, as in this situation, and yet still the accusations are made, it makes firm boundaries more nebulous. Sex without a relationship is not healthy. It is not actually liberating as post-modern feminist culture assures us. It is actually enslaving.

So just don't do it.

Comments
No. 1-2
littlecat
littlecat

He couldn't read her mind? I don't think she knows her mind. She is all over the place with her accusations. Sounds a bit nutty to me.

Jules
Jules

Yeah, demolishing a person in an anonymous attack is such a silver lining. Ansari is the one showing class. The only thing worse than anonymously sliming someone who, as even the attacker admits, really didn't do anything wrong except not find her absolutely wonderfully fascinating, is praising the slimer. I wonder how these two got together in the first place, as they obviously didn't know each other. Was it on an online site that seems focused on casual hookups, that created certain expectations? Did he "abruptly" end dinner because she was boring or complaining about the food? Was she sending him sexually provocative messages that made him think it was time to go to the next level? Why, if she was already unhappy with him after he ended the meal, did she go to his place with him, especially if the ending to the meal upset her? Why did she have oral sex with him, both versions of the act requiring participation on her part? I'm a woman who is intolerant of sexual predators, but even I see a woman here who is deeply confused and probably sent out a lot of conflicting messages.
I've seen a lot of passive-aggressive women who engage in the same kind of game playing Grace evidently did. What makes HER the problem is that she then took such a sneaky and cowardly way to attack a man who, it is quite obvious, really didn't do anything but not meet her expectations. Which, evidently, really impresses some people.

BenjaminD
BenjaminD

The story reads to me as one of miscommunication. Aziz seemed to want just a hookup while Grace wanted more of a traditional date. But when one person rushes through dinner and then invites you over to their house they probably want to have sex with you. While I don't ascribe to affirmative consent as the absolute law, for the first couple of times you have sex with a partner you should figure out their boundaries and respect them.

FloridaMan
FloridaMan

The silver lining to this story is that the image of the adorkable Aziz got a thorough demolishing.

AaronSimms
AaronSimms

Editor

Good points, especially about marriage (the stats on abortion would argue that marriage is probably the best solution). Also, I think it reflects well on Aziz Ansari (all things considered) that he has not publicly named the woman. He surely knows who she is, but has not named her.

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