Tonight on CNN Tonight: The Curse of United Airlines

THE FOLLWING IS A CNN RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

DON LEMON, HOST: Good evening everyone, and welcome. I’m Don Lemon, and this is CNN Tonight. We’re about to take a hard look at the bizarre series of events that have been piling up ever since passenger Dr. David Dao was forcibly removed from his United Airlines flight last week. Beaten, bloodied, and crying out with an eerie, banshee-like wail, Dr. Dao was dragged like an animal through the narrow aisles his plane as fellow passengers looked on in horror–all for the crime of buying a ticket to fly back home to Louisville from Chicago. But did that incident give rise to something deeper? Something sinister? Tonight on CNN Tonight, we will attempt to find some answers. . .and perhaps finally solve the mystery of what we’re calling. . .the Curse of United Express Flight 3411.

To aid us in our quest, we have as our guest the renowned television personality and everybody’s favorite mad scientist, Bill Nye the Science Guy.

BILL NYE, SCIENCE GUY: Hi, Don. Hey, just an FYI, I’m in the process of doing some rebranding, so if you don’t mind could you call me Bill Nye the Climate Change Guy instead? That’ll really help me stick it to Tucker Carlson.

LEMON: Sure, Bill, whatever you want.

NYE: Thanks.

LEMON: Anything for our guests. Now, getting back to United Express…

NYE: That was terrible, wasn’t it? But to be honest with you, I’m not surprised. Studies have shown that as the climate gets hotter, people get more irritable. It was only a matter of time before something like this happened.

LEMON: Funny you should mention that, Bill, because I was thinking the exact same thing. People are already hot and sweaty and packed in there smelling like egg salad, so something’s gotta give, right?

NYE: Absolutely. And with the election of Donald Trump, it’s only gotten worse. Studies have shown that people are actually 12.6% ruder to each other since he took office–

LEMON: You’re talking about the recent CNN/MTV News poll…

NYE: Yes, that’s the one. A full 12.6% ruder, with a 26% increase of unwanted grabbing of people’s nether regions before they even board the plane! Plainly, that’s a manifestation of what Trump was talking about on that Billy Bush tape.

LEMON: Even if it was the TSA people doing the grabbing…

NYE: I doubt Dr. Dao made that distinction before he’d had enough and followed Nancy Regan’s advice and just said no.

LEMON: A fair point. But the aspect of this I really wanted to discuss with you was Dr. Dao’s luggage. I’m sure you’ve heard the reports that United Airlines, after throwing him off the plane, then ended up losing his bags! What I want to ask you is this: Do you think it’s possible that his luggage could have disappeared. . .into a black hole?

NYE: Um… I heard the luggage actually went to Louisville without him.

LEMON: That’s what United is saying, but nobody seems to remember how the bags really got there. Maybe they could have slipped through a crack in the space-time continuum. It’s possible, isn’t it?

NYE: Well, I suppose it’s possible. . .but not likely. I’d say it’s more likely that the baggage handlers are suffering from short-term memory loss brought on by excessive heat from climate change.

LEMON: That’s an interesting theory. But does that explain the scorpion?

NYE: The scorpion?

LEMON: The one that dropped right out of the overhead compartment and landed on a guy’s head!

NYE: Wasn’t that another United flight?

LEMON: Indeed it was–which brings me to my next question. Do you think it’s possible that Dr. Dao has unleashed some kind of voodoo curse on United Airlines? I mean we got black holes, disappearing luggage, scorpions falling from the skies–that stuff can’t be a coincidence.

NYE: (Laughs nervously) Well, Don, that’s not really my area of expertise. I’m a climate science guy, remember?

LEMON: I remember one time you telling the kids on your show that they could do anything they set their minds to. So why couldn’t Dr. Dao have put the whammy on United Airlines? That guy was into some weirdo sh-t from what I’ve heard.

NYE: Ah… (Hesitates, looks anxiously at someone offstage) Maybe that would be a better question for an exorcist or a spiritualist or something?

LEMON: It’s like you can read my mind, Bill. That’s why, up next, we have Madam Cleo from the Psychic Friends Network joining us to see if she can get to the bottom of this mystery. . .and perhaps find out once and for all the truth about the Curse of United Express Flight 3411. Don’t go anywhere, folks.

NYE: (Aside, garbled) …has he been hitting the tequila again?

BREAK TRANSCRIPT

This is satire.

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