Do you want the bad news or the good news first?
I’ll give you the bad.
In 12 years, the earth is going to burn up and we’ll all die.
And it’s all your fault.
This is according to a report by the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change that was released on Monday. According to the report, if nothing is done, there will be an increase in temperatures, an increase in deadly weather, and an increase in Florida Georgia Line albums. Yes, it's that bad.
But now for the good news.
The United Nations is on the job!
This benevolent organization would like to roll back life as we know it to the time before the industrial revolution when there weren’t as many pesky carbon emitters. You know, things like cars and hospitals and air conditioned homes.
Sure, if our heroes at the United Nations get their way, more people will die. But that’s beside the point. Earth will live on! Of course, a few elites will get to keep enjoying life on earth by flying around on their jet planes they once used to warn us about the dangers of flying around on jet planes. And none of these elites will be asked to make the ultimate sacrifice and give up their lives in order to control the population for the good of the earth. That’s what the poor are for. And besides, we’ve got the better part of a decade to get our act together so that maybe we too can be included in the party that gets to keep enjoying life on earth.
And sure, the organization warning us that we’ve only got 12 years left here on earth is the same organization that was caught a few years back skewing numbers and politicizing science in order to push a green agenda. But that’s okay. It’s for the children. It’s for the earth. Who can argue with that?!
You may be asking yourself, “What can I do to buy us more time?”
Well, I hate to be so blunt but not a lot. It’s looking pretty hopeless and we’re not smart enough to do the science or the politicking required to save the earth. But there are a few simple steps that we can all take that just might give us an extra 30 or 40 minutes.
- Stop flying. Only politicians can fly. Their greenhouse gasses aren’t as harmful as ours.
- Get rid of your car. Get a bike made from old paper bags from the grocery store. Don’t ride it in the rain.
- No more grilling out. Recent scientific research has revealed that things that smell and taste good will give you cancer and also kill polar bears. If you must cook something, find a soy cube and just let it heat up naturally outside under the sun. Don’t do this in the rain either.
- Give your money to the U.N. They know what’s best. Basically every report on the climate comes down to this so it must be legit. And honestly, I can’t think of a better organization to entrust our wealth and our future to.
Either way you look at it, we’ve got twelve years left. That’s three summer Olympics and one baseball season.
Make it count.