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Relax, American Airlines Will Let You Take A Miniature Horse On Your Next Flight

But you'll have to leave your therapy goat back at the old home place.

Sometimes you read a sentence that makes you think that you’re either dreaming or living in an episode of Twin Peaks. Lately, those sentences have been coming more frequently. The latest example is from a Dallas TV station.

“Starting July 1, ferrets, goats and hedgehogs can no longer fly American Airlines, even if they’re support animals.”

Let’s chop this up. First, the fact that American Airlines has to issue a decree stating that you are no longer permitted to bring goats, hedgehogs, and ferrets on one of their flights means that more than a few people have tried this. I can understand the ferret. Maybe there have been several occasions where kids were being rushed out of the house by their parents to catch a flight and forgot that Rutherford, the family ferret, was sleeping in their hoodie. Not wanting to just turn him loose in the security line, they hid him in their pocket and hoped for the best. When flight attendants spotted the lovable rodent, an embarrassed mom and dad were forced to lie.

“It’s a therapy ferret. The kids’ eyes will start bleeding if they don’t have that ferret. We’ve applied for a license from the eye doctor but it got hung up in the mail.”

After about twelve or thirteen instances like this one, American Airlines caught on and decided to do something. I can completely understand both sides of the argument on this one.

Now, on to the hedgehog. Well, to be honest, I have no idea what a hedgehog is so let’s just move on to the goat.

Who are the people who have tried to get away with bringing a goat onto a flight? More to the point, what kind of therapy could a goat possibly offer? Have you ever seen a goat? Goats look like the devil. I have a family member who was once threatened by a goat. That family member still needs therapy for that. So imagine the trauma that my relative would experience were they forced to sit on a flight from Birmingham, Alabama to Portland, Oregon with the devil in the next seat over. Good move on this one, AA.

Another animal not permitted to be used as a service animal on American Airlines flights is the sugar glider. Again, what is a sugar glider? Up until the moment I read about these restrictions, I thought a sugar glider was another name for a gummy worm.

But wait. There’s more!

You also can no longer use birds of prey or animals with tusks or horns as service animals. However, before you give up on life because you can no longer take your service antelope or service eagle on an American Airlines flight, all is not lost. You can take a miniature horse.

Look, I don’t want to minimize or ridicule anyone’s trauma but I can’t help but wonder what possibly could have happened to someone that the only remedy is a miniature horse. And who is the therapist who gets a way with writing this prescription?

“My team has looked over all the data and it appears that talking your problems out with friends and exercising more just isn’t going to help so I’ve decided to write you a prescription for a miniature horse. Which pharmacy would you like for me to send the prescription to: CVS, Walgreens or Wally’s Miniature Horse Emporium?”

As I have spent time in lesser developed countries, I’ve always been amazed by the way that people travel. It’s nothing to see two or three families of four riding on one motorcycle. In a way, I would always feel sorry for them. Now, I think they’re the smart ones. Sure, it can get cramped sharing a motorcycle with a couple of dozen people for six or eight hours but at least they don’t have to worry about goats and sugar gliders.

So, if I ever get to take my family on a vacation to Hawaii, we’re going on a motorcycle.

Wanna come with us? There’s plenty of room!

I had a bird attack me when I was little. If I walked onto a airplane and there was a bird I would turn around and take that motorcycle you’re advocating. I was in the rain forest in Australia and our guide showed up with a bird that sat in the front seat...he asked did anyone care. Hell yes I cared I wasn’t going to pay good money to be traumatized again.

I know what a hedgehog is! They're blue, wear red sneakers, run real fast, and save animals from evil scientists who want to change them into robots! And, yes, he is a valid therapy animal for restless kids anxious about an airplane ride!

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