Private Jets And Spaceships For The Lord

Will you please make the decision to partner with me today to buy a private spaceship? I know you will be blessed by it.

Brothers and Sisters, I have a favor to ask.

I have been praying, and God has brought me to the realization that I need a private spaceship. Really! Like, as soon as possible. Can you help a brother out?

You see, as much as you may enjoy my writing here at The Resurgent, I just feel that the Lord is calling me to do more for the Kingdom. I need to spread the message beyond Erick’s site and into the farthest reaches of Creation.

I’m following in the footsteps of ~~charlatans~~ ~~false prophets~~ Televangelists like Joel Osteen and Jesse Duplantis.

Currently, Mr. Duplantis wants his followers to pay for a $78 million Falcon 7X private jet. It would be the fourth private jet in his arsenal. Apparently, he’s been wearing out the other three - “burning them up for the Lord.”

In a classic say-it-and-claim-it style, Duplantis makes a ~~mockery~~ declaration of God’s Word, claiming God doesn’t want him to pay for the airplane. Nope, you’re going to pay for it.

He claims God told him, “Jesse, I didn't ask you to pay for it. I asked you to believe for it.”

This latest jet is supposedly needed to spread the Word to the world, because "If Jesus was physically on the earth today, he wouldn't be riding a donkey," according to ol’ Moneybags McGee.

I never believed any of the prosperity gospel preachers before, but Jesse Duplantis is just so darned convincing that I decided to follow in his footsteps, like Timothy following St. Paul. So in that vein, dear readers, I need a spaceship. If Osteen and Duplantis need jets to reach the world, I’m going to go further. I’m going to reach the ends of the Universe for our cause! Thus inspired by Jesse Duplantis Ministries, I am excited to announce the formation of Kammer Intergalactic Ministries - or K.I.M. for short. Don’t you want to be blessed by being part of this Kingdom-building project on alien planets?

It’s true that no aliens exist out there, but what if…?

What if we find the first sparks of alien life first emerging? Don’t you want us to be there with the Gospel?

You know who doesn’t want us to be there? The Devil. So don’t let Satan win. Send that sweet, sweet prayerful contribution now!

The 10 biggest donors will also join me on trips to Mars, Alpha Centauri, or the Crab Nebula depending on where we are called. Hurry up, and join us today!

Have faith your money will be in good hands. Fellow Resurgenters will be joining the effort. Captain Kudzu has agreed to partner with us as our pilot while Amy Davis will be our bartender. Yes, we will have a full bar onboard. Where else will we keep the Communion wine? Besides, prosperity theology taught me that being in “ministry” doesn’t mean living like a monk, much to the surprise of Elijah, St. Peter, and St. Paul. As Brother Duplantis says, “I’m not living lavishly, I’m living Biblically.” I guess those Biblical heroes just didn’t have faith as strong as ours, or they’d have been driving four horse chariots and sailing on gold boats.

By the way, I should mention there are job openings for inflight masseuse and butler still open for any servant leaders out there wanting to join K.I.M.

I am surprised men like Osteen, Duplantis, and other health-and-wealth TV preachers haven’t already leaped at this great cosmic mission field opportunity. It must be their great humility that keeps them confined to the bonds of Earth – a crippling trait that I fortunately do not share. Thus, inspired by Jesse Duplantis’ private jet ministry, I am happy to announce my new intergalactic ministry that is only being hindered by the lack of a personal space shuttle and launch vehicle.

Dear friends, won’t you partner with us today?

Comments
No. 1-10
aprilmoon
aprilmoon

I think, possibly, the pastor who we are really talking about, wants that plane to escape to somewhere else, usually New Zealand, once things get bad. If things do ever get that bad, I don't New Zealand will be letting all those private jets land.

etbass
etbass

I guess he better enjoy the ride, because there is a special place in hell for people like Duplantis - frauds who don't care about the Gospel, but just pretend to use it as a means to line their own pockets.

Kenzo
Kenzo

Count(down) me in, Brother! I'm willing to contribute all the money I have--$1.25 and two old Shakey's tokens--and if necessary could sell off my Battlefield Earth action figures. After all, while there are no aliens out there, there could be some Atlantean colonies that need ministering to (a subject covered in some detail in my upcoming fanfic, Noah II: The Wrath of Cain).

El C.I.D.
El C.I.D.

@Nick Kammer: I think he actually realizes that, and he just didn't specify who he was talking about, hehe. BTW, solid piece - 5 stars, swiped right, etc. Been very happy with the satire around here recently :)

Nick Kammer
Nick Kammer

Editor

@HDA I don't think you realize this is satire. I'm making fun of Jesse Duplantis' greed.