It’s probably the greatest paragraph ever written in the history of journalism. No, I didn’t write it but thanks anyway. In order to fully appreciate this masterpiece of words, you’ll need a little context.
Glenn Bost is a 27-year-old man who is wanted for burglary. He didn’t rob a bank or an armored car. No sir. Mr. Bost was not playing around. He went all in and decided to rob a Waffle House.
It takes a special kind of person to rob a Waffle House. If you were to walk into a Waffle House right now there are a few things that you would most certainly find.
1.) A jukebox loaded down with songs from Joe Diffie and Kenny Chesney.
2.) A man who is about 30 pounds underweight and who still hasn’t fully recovered from Auburn’s last loss.
3.) A woman behind the counter whose Christian name is Charletta but whose nickname is Lil’ Bit. You know her Christian name because it’s on her tag. You know her nickname because it’s tattooed on her neck.
4.) A guy in the corner wearing a Cale Yarborough hat who still hasn’t fully come to grips with the fact that most of the guys currently driving in NASCAR are way prettier than men should be.
5.) People carrying guns, knives, pepper spray, and or homemade bombs.
I don’t know if they have Waffle Houses in North Korea. I’m pretty sure that they don’t. But if they did, you could be sure that you would find all five of the above in there. It’s like a law of the universe or something.
So the fact that Glenn Bost decided to rob a Waffle House lets us know what we’re dealing with. To make matters even worse for poor Glenn, this Waffle House was in Tuscumbia, Alabama. People in Tuscumbia really don’t like it when you rob them, especially when their food is involved.
Glenn at least had one thing going for him. He didn’t go in the door, guns a blazin’, and head for the cash register. That’s because he knew that the guy in the corner with the Cale Yarborough hat was carrying more weapons than can be found in the entire state of New Hampshire (as long as you don’t count the Waffle Houses). He also knew that Lil’ Bit was working the register. Lil’ Bit doesn’t need a weapon. She can kill a man with her stare. And her words if that doesn’t work.
Police Chief Tony Logan explained Glenn Bost’s strategy and that’s where we find, thanks to the good people at the AP, the greatest paragraph in the history of journalism.
Logan says Bost went into a bathroom, tied the door shut with his pants and climbed into the ceiling. He says an underwear-clad Bost then fell into the dining area and fought off patrons trying to detain him. Logan says Bost then fled, leaving behind his pants that contained his driver’s license.
How is this not already a Sturgill Simpson song?
My favorite part of this paragraph is where it says, “And fought off patrons trying to detain him.” The author of this story, while a fine writer, is clearly not from the southeastern United States. The people eating at this Waffle House were not trying to detain Glenn Bost.
They were trying to kill him.
That’s what people from Tuscumbia, Alabama, Lavonia, Georgia, Live Oak, Florida, Anderson, South Carolina, and Manchester, Tennessee do when people in underwear fall through the ceiling and land on their grits. It’s the only logical response, really.
At the time of this writing, Glenn Bost is still on the loose. How is this possible? If you’ve ever eaten at a Waffle House you know that you spend the next 72 hours smelling like the Waffle House. It just seems to me that a guy walking around the streets of Tuscumbia, Alabama in his underwear and smelling like the Waffle House would be easy to spot. Especially when he went through the trouble of leaving his license in his pants that were tied to the door in the Waffle House bathroom.
I’m just going to go ahead and assume that Glenn Bost has been caught by the Alabama State Patrol and used his one and only phone call to contact his brand new fiancé—a sweet young lady who goes by the name of Lil’ Bit.
They really do make a great couple.