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Man Eats At Chick-fil-A During Pride Month, Devastated Nation Vows To Recover

The CEO of Twitter ate at Chick-fil-A on Saturday and it will probably send us into the apocalypse.

It is a day that will forever be remembered. We truly will never forget. Years from now, your grandchildren will ask you what it was like to be alive on such a horrific day.

“Pappy, where we you the day that Jack Dorsey ate a Chick-fil-a sandwich? How did you survive?”

Thankfully, several members of the American left rushed to the digital scene to remind Dorsey of how terrible he is for eating at Chick-fil-a during pride month. Pride month, as you might remember, lasts from January to December.

Former CNN anchor Soledad O’Brien told Dorsey, “This is an interesting company to boost during pride month.”

Dorsey responded, “You’re right. Completely forgot about their background.”

I have not been able to confirm reports that Dorsey then regurgitated his nuggets and waffle fries and personally met with every member of the LGBTQ community within a 15 mile radius of the restaurant to offer his personal apologies and a gift card for a free appetizer at Friday’s, a more LGBTQ-friendly restaurant.

No one knows where our nation will go from here. It’s been a really tough few months. We’ve seen the looming threat of nuclear war. There has been one senseless murder after another. Suicide rates are on the rise. Everyone can agree that one man’s choice for lunch on a Saturday afternoon tops it all.

The country has been knocked back by this man’s dietary decision.

But it will survive.

The apocalyptic age is now but we will pull through. We must. We must all join together to say that we will #eatlesschicken. Our grandchildren’s lives are depending on it. We must be able to tell them that we stood strong while one man tried to kill them and millions of others with his lunch plans.

We resisted the temptation to eat a delicious, lightly breaded, all-white meat chicken sandwich.

We said no to the crispy, crunchy waffle fries.

We turned away from the offer of a free sample of the delicious, soft-serve ice cream.

We walked into that hateful restaurant just so we could call all of the employees fascists after one of their workers lovingly told us that it would be her pleasure to serve us.

Our grandchildren may suffer from severe depression. They may grow up to be confused because we played games with their gender and sexuality. They might even end up calling one of Kim Jong-un’s offspring their “Supreme Leader.”

But at least they will know that while everyone else was enjoying the delicious taste of a Chick-fil-a sandwich, their grandparents settled for Wendy’s instead.

Love, as they say, truly does win.

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