Hope Hicks—a longtime aide to President Donald Trump and his daughter Ivanka, who stepped into the role of White House communications director after Tony “The Mooch” Scaramucci‘s brief three-day tenure in the job—has announced that she will resign her post in the next few weeks:
Ms. Hicks, 29, a former model who joined Mr. Trump’s 2016 presidential campaign without any experience in politics, became known as one of the few aides who understood his personality and style and could challenge the president to change his views.
Ms. Hicks had been considering leaving for several months. She told colleagues that she had accomplished what she felt she could with a job that made her one of the most powerful people in Washington, and that there would never be a perfect moment to leave, according to White House aides.
Noted internet commentator and distinguished citizen of Twitter @ComfortablySmug, when told of the news that his favorite person (next to Tomi Lahren) would be leaving the White House, could only muster a primal scream as he fought back tears:
There, there, Smug. Things will get better. It just takes time.
In the meanwhile, however, questions abound—chief among them, who will be the next lucky contestant on Celebrity Apprentice: DC Edition? I suppose the smart money is on Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who has shown some pretty good chops as press secretary and has established quite the reputation as a pugilist after all her bouts with Jim Acosta. But would she really want the job? It’s one thing to be the public face of the administration, but it’s quite another to handle all the skullduggery behind the scenes, particularly while cultivating that mystique that Hicks did so well.
I would therefore like to offer my services as the Unofficial Director of White House Communications.
Hey, why not? I have a journalism degree, which means I can write good and stuff—plus I’ve even published a few out-there sci-fi novels, which means I’m quite adept at making outrageous things up on the fly to get myself out of whatever jam I’ve scribbled myself into. I don’t crave the spotlight either, and would absolutely, positively never try to parlay my role as a trusted White House adviser into some contributor gig on Fox News (talk to my agent for details).
So how about it, Mr. President? Ready to take a chance on some new blood? I’m ready to do lunch whenever you are!