Cosmo: Turning Good Sex Into Bad

It’s a sad fact of life that the social justice warriors have made even the simplest things in life hopelessly complicated–particularly for us men, who are simple creatures ill-equipped to deal with any deviation from the norm.

Are we supposed to hold a door open for a lady, or is that now sexist? Which bathroom is it okay to use, and are we still supposed to put the seat down when we’re done? Does affirmative consent require explicit permission getting to first base, or is that just for sliding into home? It’s a dizzying array of rules, and it seems to change from day to day. What’s a poor, confused guy to do?

For starters, he shouldn’t be perusing the pages of Cosmo–not unless we wants to become hopelessly confused. That’s because the magazine most famous for giving advice to women on how to have the best sex ever has just published an article called “Why Guys Get Turned on When You Orgasm–and Why That’s a Bad Thing.”

Yes, really:

It’s not enough that men are already having more orgasms than women. To make matters worse, a new study published in the Journal of Sex Research found — aside from deriving pleasure from their own orgasms, obviously — men also derive a specific sort of masculine pleasure from making female partners orgasm. The researchers in the study, Sara Chadwick and Sari van Anders, refer to this incredibly predictable phenomenon as a “masculinity achievement.” I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I imagine a “masculinity achievement” looks something like Super Mario punching a coin out of one of those floating boxes in the video game.

This is actually accompanied by an animated GIF showing Mario punching a coin out of one of those floating boxes. I’ve never associated a beloved Nintendo character with a sex act before, so thanks for that Cosmo. Now, where was I again? Oh yeah, orgasms:

“Despite increasing focus on women’s orgasms, research indicated that the increased attention to women’s orgasms may also serve men’s sexuality, complicating conceptualizations of women’s orgasms as women-centric,” researchers wrote.

In a separate statement from Chadwick and van Anders, they explained why it’s a bad thing for men to gain masculinity points for bringing female partners to orgasm. “One reason is that it might pressure some heterosexual men to feel like they have to ‘give’ women orgasms, as if orgasm is something men pulled out of a hat and presented to women,” they wrote. “This ties into cultural ideas of women as passive recipients of whatever men give them.”

Didn’t Ming the Merciless say that in the 1980 version of Flash Gordon? “Pitiful men! My orgasms are not yours to give or take.” Or something to that effect. Anyhoo…

It seems to me the thrust of the article (if you’ll pardon the pun) is that men should inspire orgasms in their women, by all means, but they should not take any kind of pride in doing so. What emotion men should be feeling instead isn’t explored at all–but perhaps it could be guilt? I’m sure there’s nothing women find more attractive than a man who immediately cries after sex. Just don’t spank him. He might think it’s actual punishment rather than a reward for a job well done.

All kidding aside, I have to believe that all sane people find this to absolutely ridiculous (if not, we’re in a whole lot of trouble). Anyone who is in a committed, loving relationship understands the importance of give and take–whether that applies to helping out with the household chores, or getting all hot and heavy in the bedroom. Sometimes you give more, sometimes more is given, but everything arises from your love for one another. From that comes a desire to be of service, which is the highest calling there is. To derive pleasure from that service is not only normal, but healthy. It’s also one of the foundations of a lasting relationship. Everybody wins!

Besides, making sure your lady has some fun is the best way to get even more action from her. And isn’t that what men want anyway?

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