From:
Max Devonshire, Royal Shakespearean Theatre Company of Oxford University
1564 Toil & Trouble Lane
Statford-upon-Avon CV 32 8LS, England
To:
The Honourable Senator Cory A. Booker, c/o “T-Bone”
IHOP Senate Building, Sub-Basement Level 4
Washington, DC 20510
Subject:
Supreme Court Confirmation Hearings.
Dearest Senator Booker:
It has come to our attention that you have been boasting to your Senate colleagues and select media figures about your brief stint with the RSTCOU whilst you were a Rhodes Scholar at Oxford, drawing upon that experience as inspiration for your much-ballyhooed performance “grilling” Judge Brett Kavanaugh. Specifically, you referred to an incidence of high-drama in which you revealed supposedly classified documents and then declared—if I am reading this correctly—that this was your “I am Spartacus!” moment, and that you didn’t care if such infractions would lead to your ultimate removal from the Senate.
Sadly, for us, this has turned into the proverbial straw that has broken the camel’s back. After consulting with our fellow members, we have unanimously decided to ask that you cease and desist using any reference to the RSTCOU in connection with whatever hijinks, shenanigans, tomfoolery, and general resume-padding in which you engage during what is supposed to be Senate business. Rest assured, we did not arrive at this decision lightly. Point of fact, we actually considered imposing these sanctions during the hearings to confirm your Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen (even “Red Ken” Livingstone thought that business with the jazz hands was a bit much); but in the interests of comity between the United States and Great Britain, we held our tongues and bore our embarrassment. Your antics with Judge Kavanaugh, however, were simply too much, and we have our reputations to consider.
If it had simply been a matter of you pretending that you had broken the rules by mentioning “classified” documents that had already been approved for release, we might have been able to overlook these antics. But the shameless methods that you employed to burnish your ersatz “tough guy” image—specifically, calling Senator John Cornyn “a bully” and telling him, through reporters no less, to “bring it”—required a suspension of disbelief not seen since Boy George made a guest appearance on The A-Team. It hardly speaks well of the Senate, much less the profession of acting.
I should also remind you that your activities with the RSTCOU consisted primarily of being a stage hand, and not much of one at that. Need I remind you of our production of Romeo and Juliet, when you mistakenly switched the poison vials for the suicide scene with guest performer Jeff Portnoy’s sample from his mandatory drug test? That could have been a disaster had we not caught it in time. Additionally, the one play in which you did have a minor speaking role was marred when you butchered your only line. Honestly, who confuses “verily” with “merrily”?
I do hope that you understand our concerns, and comport yourself accordingly.
Yours with the Bard,
Max
