Blooming Idiots

When I read about the kerfuffle between disgraced comedienne Kathy Griffin and her former lawyer Lisa Bloom, it brought to mind that time Henry Kissinger remarked of the Iran-Iraq War, “It’s a pity they can’t both lose.”

Griffin, as you may recall, got herself into a spot of bother a few months back when she had herself photographed holding the bloody, severed head of Donald Trump. Not his actual head, mind you, but a reasonable enough facsimile that Barron Trump, the president’s 11-year-old son, was said to have thought it was the real deal. Given that threatening to decapitate the president of the United States is a crime, even as a lame attempt at humor, most reasonable human beings would have thought twice before pulling a stunt like that. But being Kathy Griffin means never having to say you’re stupid—and when she realized that the Secret Service could actually throw her in the clink for parading around with Trump’s make-believe melon, she did what any D-list celebrity would and lawyered up faster than Johnny Depp running away from his wine creditors.

Enter Lisa Bloom, daughter of feminist icon Gloria Allred and a noted attorney in her own right—if by noted, you mean a Hollywood shill who was on Harvey Weinstein’s speed-dial until it was obvious her libidinous client had become so radioactive that his fat retainer was no longer worth the trouble. At any rate, Bloom seemed like the perfect choice to defend Griffin to the public—not so much on the merits of the case, but because Bloom has a singular talent for making everything about sexism. Outraged that an edgy funny lady is playing ISIS with the president’s noggin? You must be one of those deplorable, misogynistic Trump voters who wants to set female comedy back to the days of I Love Lucy. If it had been Carrot Top, you wouldn’t have had a problem with it. Besides, it’s Trump’s fault anyway for being such a big shot bully. That’s why you never saw this kind of thing even with George W. Bush.

Alas, like the time Steve Urkel ended up on Full House, this particular episode went down in history as one of the worst crossovers ever conceived. Griffin described the brief but memorable partnership thusly:

“If you want my Lisa Bloom statement, anybody, OK, here it is. Yes, I got Bloomed. Yes, I did not have a good experience with her. I felt that she and her husband exacerbated my personal situation. That horrible press conference was a disaster.”

Griffin added: “I’m not gonna sue Lisa Bloom. I don’t think Lisa Bloom should be shot, like people want to shoot me. So there’s my freaking statement.”

BTW, that press conference was the one during which Griffin said that Trump broke her. Also, she didn’t use the word “freaking,” but this is a family-friendly website and we don’t resort to that kind of lowbrow expression. So bite me.

Bloom, for her part, seemed shocked, shocked that Griffin would be such a drama queen about the matter. Flatly denying her former client’s version of events, Bloom escalated the spat into a full-on catfight when she responded:

Kathy Griffin reached out to me after her Trump mask photo posted a few months ago and a few days later I had a press conference with her.

She said on camera “my notes are by the wayside and it’s all off the cuff” and then ad libbed. I was sorry she made that choice but I respected her right to speak as she saw fit.

Kathy has now made a video about how women should stand together, and yet she’s attacked me, a lifetime women’s rights attorney, and not the rest of her team, all of whom were men.

This is sad, but I still believe that Kathy Griffin is one of the funniest comics alive, that she meant no ill will with the photo, and I wish her the best.

And, as everyone knows, “I wish you the best” is Hollywoodspeak for “You’ll never work in this town again, loser.” If they keep this up, Weinstein just might stage a comeback and hit them both up for a middle-aged reboot of Mean Girls.

Still, it’s hard to figure out how much of this stuff is true and how much of it is the same kind of self-serving, entertainment industry fluff you see in the pages of Us Weekly—at least until you get down to this tasty little morsel of the story:

Griffin estimated that the fees for two days’ legal representation, including arranging security and invitations to legitimate journalists for the June 2 press conference at Bloom’s offices, amounted to $40,000.

Forty grand to put together the Heaven’s Gate of press conferences? Well, when you think about it, that production was an expensive disaster too—but that’s Hollywood for you. Why make a flop for peanuts when you can bankrupt the studio? I’m guessing, though, that Griffin decided to cut her losses and send the whole thing straight to video.

It’s just too bad she can’t change her name to Alan Smithee.

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