“I’m done pretending men are safe (even my sons)” is her latest lament against those of us conceived with an XY chromosome pair.
It’s remarkable how much ignorance can be packed into a 965-word essay. And it’s sad–even tragic–how much hurt this woman is doing to her boys in writing them. In her piece, she mentions that her youngest son has turned in “his anger” to conservative websites and YouTube channels. So maybe he will read this.
This is for him and his older brother.
Dear Jody Allard’s sons:
You are very, very safe. It’s obvious you’ve been raised in an environment where you’ve learned to be self-reliant, sensitive, well-adjusted boys. At least by what your mother has written about you, any mom should be proud to have two sons who can openly discuss these kinds of difficult topics with their mother.
“My sons won’t rape unconscious women behind a dumpster” is, I suppose, a good starting point of how to be a successful citizen of the world. But your mother seems to want you to become women, to experience the full spectrum of emotions and feminine thinking so that you can understand how “the system” has made you “toxic.”
I can sympathize with her, really. I think you can too. She’s a woman, and we’re men. We think differently. I wish, many times, that my wife would experience the full spectrum of what it’s like to be a man. It would certainly help me to communicate more effectively with her. But I would never call her “toxic” because she thinks like a woman.
What is truly toxic is that your mother can’t accept that “the system” is not a social construct. It’s DNA. The way men think, the hormones coursing through our bodies, the way men’s brains process sensory information, and the way emotions interplay with our reasoning, those are not the result of a “broken system.” You know it. It’s how and who you are.
You were raised by a feminist, yet you roll your eyes when she speaks endlessly and tirelessly of “rape culture.” She calls being a man “toxic masculinity.” She would like to erase the XY chromosome pair and simply make you females with male genitalia. Eunuchs, or drones who exist for the sexual pleasure and service of women, available at the beckon and call of female masters who communicate perfectly because everyone thinks alike.
With just a look you are supposed to know if a woman is sexually interested, and predict her thoughts into the future to know if she’ll later regret it. No means no, and yes means no except when it means yes, but even then it means no if she doesn’t really mean it. Of course, I jest. But if men were women this would not be an issue. We’d just know. Then again, have you seen women fight? Military psy-ops has nothing on two women doing emotional battle.
I’d rather be a man, than have to deal with the unsafe territory of women’s anger.
The truth is contained in thousands of years of human experience. Every song ever written about love has some element of a guy pursuing a woman. Your mother has searched for a dating partner on a website (Bumble) that only allows women to pursue men, and yet still she feels emotionally unsafe.
Your mother doesn’t understand–in fact she rejects–that men are men because of biology. Whether you believe in God or Darwin, men are creatures who must pursue and attract a mate. This desire, to pursue, and for women to be pursued, is beyond a social construct. It’s a biological imperative that your mother has declared to be toxic and poisonous.
She’s actually right. From her point of view, no men are safe, because she wants them to be women.
I’m sorry that your mom probably hurt you. This is what she wrote:
I love my sons, and I love some individual men. It pains me to say that I don’t feel emotionally safe with them, and perhaps never have with a man, but it needs to be said because far too often we are afraid to say it. This is not a reflection of something broken or damaged in me; it is a reflection of the systems we build and our boys absorb. Those little boys grow into men who know the value of women, the value that’s been ascribed to us by a broken system, and it seeps out from them in a million tiny, toxic ways.
She said that the problem isn’t her, it’s you. She’s confused.
The problem isn’t you. It’s her. The emotional safety your mom wants can’t be found with a man, or her own sons, because we’re not made that way. It’s not your fault (blame God or evolution or the universe). This is not to say that somewhere in the world, there’s not a man who thinks like a woman. Some small percentage of men believe they are women and go through hormone treatments and surgery to prove it.
I don’t suggest that your mother wants you to be transsexual, but she’s very close to that. She wants you to give up your male-ness so that she can feel more safe. She wants you to not think of a woman as an attractive person, or a sexual entity, despite the hormones raging from your pituitary that tell you the opposite. She wants you to not think of sex every six seconds, despite the fact that you can’t help it.
Women are no “better” than men. They have the same impulses and attractions. It’s just that women are “safer” with women because they instinctually understand each other’s thinking a bit better. Then again, have you seen two women fight over a man? It’s ugly.
You are good boys, you mother wrote. You are also very safe boys. You mother has demonized you for no reason other than her own selfishness. I’m sorry she did that, and I’m sorry you’re now the topic of a thousand think pieces. I’d rather nobody had to go through that.
My closing advice to you is this. Love your mother and sympathize with her. Tell her that you’ll do the best you can to support her, and that her horrible experiences as a victim of sexual abuse should be respected. But don’t try to stop being who you are for her.
Protect your mother and embrace her. Stand up for women who are truly being abused. That’s what men do. But you don’t have to become a woman to be a man.