A Modest Proposal

Combating Internet threats by regulating computers and connectivity speeds.

With the rising threat of internet pornography, computer viruses, leaks of sensitive data, and other scourges, it is time to regulate the speed both of computers as well as their access to the Internet in order to help prevent these threats.

Many years ago, the height of connectivity was a 56k modem or, for those well-connected among us, a 144k ISDN line. We did not have to fear computer viruses, as we were forced to manually connect and then disconnect our dial-up modems from the Internet or walled-garden web services. The speed at which images downloaded over a dial-up line meant that most people opted for printed images for their pornography needs. Our financial, medical, credit, and other sensitive data were “hosted” in filing cabinets, rather than online. Finally, we did not have to worry about “fake news” on the internet (indeed, we had no way to differentiate real from fake).

It is time to return to this more peaceful time. I am a firm believer in the First Amendment, but call on the government to step in to properly regulate this privilege granted to us by the U.S. Constitution. Our Founding Fathers could never have anticipated the Internet or the threats that it poses. They used printing presses and were able to win the propaganda war against the British with them. Surely, we can make do as well, especially since we no longer have a need to fear the government as it has our best interests at heart.

Therefore, in order to stop the misuse of computers, I will turn mine in. I have a high velocity computer with way more processor speed and memory that any sane person needs, and an Internet connection that is much faster than reasonable. I have no need for these weapons; they should only be in the hands of well-trained government workers. I will make do with my grandfather’s typewriter and subscribe to a printed paper.

Will you join me and voluntarily turn in your high velocity computers? Or, at least return to 56k modems? If it saves just one data breach, virus infection, or online hazing incident, then it is worth it.

Comments
No. 1-8
etbass
etbass

Well, the 1st Amendment only covers personally spoken words and hand written letters. And then not with a pen. You have use a quill and dip it in the ink because that's what was available when the Constitution was written, so those inherent rights are frozen in time. So Trumo can shut down all of CNN, MSNBC and any website he doesn't like because those are not covered under the 18th Century 1st Amendment because they didn't exist at the time it was written. Our Founding Fathers never envisioned people have computers and video cameras.

Dele
Dele

Good writing! Never realized it was a satire until the 4th paragraph!

ached_nape
ached_nape

At the outset, I couldn’t imagine what Hugh Hefner could contribute to this discussion, considering as how he’s been dead for 5-1/2 months, but I pressed on.

At the start of the 3rd paragraph I thought I detected signs of a tongue nudging at a cheek, with its presence becoming more obvious as I read on until, at the very end, it was threatening to break the skin. Ah … satire.

im_frank
im_frank

@MediocreCellist = 👍🏻👍🏻 Took me until 4th paragraph to realize it was satirical; brought a smile to my face as I stroked my AR-15. . .