But this is a GOOD story, with a happy ending. A nice, big, round, happy ending.
Sure, we can analyze the specifics of how research has shown lower levels of cholesterol in women with bigger backsides, and that they are more likely to produce the hormones that metabolize sugar, leading to less diabetes or heart problems. We can also delve into the data that states a larger derriere requires an excess of Omega 3 fatty acids, proven to catalyze brain development. All positive information for the ol' noggin, courtesy of that big butt.
But(t) - what's the fun in that?
I think this is best viewed through an interpretation of the inspiring lyrics of Anthony Ray, better known by his stage name Sir Mix-a-Lot:
Oh, my, God America, look at her butt
It is so big, she looks like
One of those scientist guys' girlfriends.
But, ya know, who understands those scientists?
They only talk to her, because,
She looks like a total nerd, 'kay?
I mean, her butt, is just so big
I can't believe it's just so round, it's like out there
I mean healthy, look
She's just so, smart!
I like big butts and I don't have to lie
You other students can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
She's got books, resourceful and true
'Cause you notice that butt was huge
Deep in the jeans she's wearing holes
I'm hooked and I can't stop takin notes
Oh baby, I want to get wit'cha
You're an intellect'chua
My homeboys tried to warn me
But with that butt you got makes (me so crafty)
Say you want to get in my AP Class?
Well, use a historian
'Cause you a valedictorian
I've seen her dancin'
To hell with romancin'
She's smart, vigorous,
Gonna live long and be prosperous
I'm tired of magazines
Sayin' flat butts are the thing
Take the average intellectual and ask him that
She gotta pack much back
So, fellas (yeah) Fellas (yeah)
Has your girlfriend got the butt? (hell yeah)
Tell 'em to shake it (shake it) shake it (shake it)
Shake that healthy and very intelligent butt
I've never been ashamed of my obsession with big butts. It's just nice to know that it's literally a healthy obsession, and a wise one as well.