Login

Righteous rant 'Maximum MAGA Reached!': A MUST READ for all exhausted liberals

A blogger at The Blizzard has fully reached maximum MAGA capacity, and has a few tips to help us all.

It seems the moment that Trump became a serious contender in the presidential election, the news cycle just hasn’t stopped. Everyday Americans are bombarded with news story after news story, most of them full of some awful thing Trump or his people have said or done, and for some that is leading to MAGA overload.

One blogger over at The Blizzard has fully reached maximum MAGA capacity and has written a cathartic and entertaining rant in order to maintain sanity. The piece also includes a few coping mechanisms to help those citizens that may also be reaching the boiling point.

Enjoy a taste of this magnificent work of literary art below, and make sure to check out the entire post at this link:

______________________________________________________________

"Last week, I hit maximum MAGA capacity. I liken the feeling to the time during seventh grade when I was staring at a boy I thought was cute. Everything was going okay. I was walking the perimeter of the basketball court with a group of friends, when I looked over and caught the eye of my pre-pubescent beloved. Our eyes met in what can only be described as an amorous embrace, the world stopped turning, birds sang, time froze, spontaneous fireworks exploded in the sky above us… And I walked directly into the basketball pole and fell on my ass.

...

Knocked silly and speechless on my ass.

Which is EXACTLY how I felt when Trump, or as I’ve taken to calling him – Three Mile Island in man form – managed to piss off Canada.

Do you know what a massive bag of dicks you have to be in order to get Canada riled up? This is the country whose “standoffs” consist of which person is going to out “polite” the other. If two Canadians approach a grocery line at the same time, they will literally stand there for days (DAYS) encouraging the other person to go first. And this isn’t limited to just supermarkets. It is their way of life. The average Canadian spends over five years of their life insisting that someone goes ahead of them in a line, because they’re THAT fucking nice. This is a fact. Google it. Five years of their life!

The point is, to piss off Canada you have to be a four alarm, Trumpster fire of blazing horse shit. Even I didn’t think Donnie was capable of that. Lesson learned.

Now the man who couldn’t negotiate a blow job if he was standing in a Nevada brothel with a pocket full of $100 dollar bills, has decided to go ahead and slap some tariffs on Canadian imports. Effectively pissing them off, screwing consumers on both sides of the border and simultaneously forcing the creators of “South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut” to add the disclaimer, “Based on a True Story” to the opening credits.

...

So anyway, that was the moment where I lost it. Maximum MAGA capacity hit. Boiling bunnies on a stove, crazy. Face first into a basketball pole, stunned. Think Jack Nicholson in “The Shining”, only a tad bit more unhinged. Also, boiling rabbits is Eric Trump’s favorite hobby. This is 100% true.

...

On a final note, to our good friends in Canada. We are sorry! Please don’t friend dump us. I know you want to block our FaceBook account right now, but I promise you we’d all rather have gonorrhea and head lice AT THE SAME TIME, than Trump as a president. We don’t want you as an enemy. You’re not even a “frenemy” like that passive aggressive floozy, Great Britain. That’s a FACT. The little bitch is uppity and we all know it.

But, Canada you are our BFF. And we’re counting on you to hold our hair back when we inevitably projectile vomit out the last of this MAGA shit sandwich, we’re currently being force fed. However until then, please take our keys away no matter how much we claim to be able to drive. We are clearly in no shape to get behind the wheel."

______________________________________________________________

Maximum MAGA Reached!” was published by The Blizzard on June 5, 2018

Stories